Chris does the can-can

But what an aftertaste

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 16:24:00 -0400

Thanks to the magical power of a large spoon, the meat paste thing is finished. (4:23)

Leafing through the labels, it was barbecue canned chicken spread. Diabolical.

Who’s the man now, dawg?

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 16:23:08 -0400

Who’s the man now, dawg?

Mystery Can Challenge 2011 Day 7

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 16:19:14 -0400

And now it’s time to say goodbye, to all our family…

It’s the last day of MCC for this year (that I know of). Like last year, it’s a somber feeling. I mean, yes, my internal organs have been put through a veritable hell, but it’s not as if I was forced into it. Besides, some items have been pretty good.

Some.

Today was not really one of those days.

The last can in the box was a super small one with a pop top lid. All I can remember when the cans were given to each other was a maniacal laugh from Cassie, followed by a warning that “one was good, the one was terror.” So, I’ve got that going for me.

As the picture shows, the contents inside aren’t pretty. It’s almost spam-like in its appearance, but there’s a texture and consistency more closer to refried beans, which I like. But that smell. It’s a tangy odor, almost pungent, but more acid than repugnant.

Hold on. Red coloring. Acidic scent. A quick nibble seals it. Tomato-based color, waft of vinegar, hints of spices and seasoning? This is some sort of bbq flavored ……… something. A meat paste?

BBQ meat paste? I don’t know. We’ll see how this works. (4:18)

Refried poo in a can?

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 16:01:20 -0400

Refried poo in a can?

Photo

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 16:59:59 -0400

Mystery Can Challenge 2011 Day 6

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 16:48:00 -0400

Blahhhhhhh.

Today’s been rough. A nagging cough that appeared on Saturday has turned into a visiting wheeze and slight fatigue. Nyquil taken last night to combat that (what? it’s got medicinal properties) resulted in my body attempting to get more sleep than it usually does under the effects of Nyquil. It’s been unseasonably warm today (Chris is of the temperate blooded creatures of the world) and some coworkers and I went to the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.

Suffice to say, I’m tired.

Nonetheless, I have a challenge to uphold. I’ve selected Can 6, one of large size. I’ve nicknamed it The Voluminous C.A.N., mainly because I’m a child of 90’s era rap. There’s only one set of directions written near the lid: “Nuke 2 to 4 minutes.” Upon letting Cassie know which can was tonight’s victim, I was told “I hope you don’t have anywhere to go tonight.”

Great. Now I’m tonight’s victim.

It’s a brown-ish liquid, almost brackish in color. It looks like au jus, but has onion slices in it, making me think it’s French Onion soup. A quick taste test confirms this guess.

This was a horrible time for me to run out of bread. Half of it will be done in no time. (4:48pm)

EDIT: At least one half, if not two-thirds of the can have been consumed. I feel like I can now sweat salt. Oh, and my eyes water. A LOT. (5:00pm)

French onion soup? Au jus in a can? Diarrhea (cha-cha-cha)...

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 16:33:27 -0400

French onion soup? Au jus in a can? Diarrhea (cha-cha-cha) water?

Mystery Can Challenge 2011 Day 5

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 12:32:57 -0400

No more ouchies.

After yesterday, my confidence was a bit downtrodden. I mean, canned asparagus? Really? Thanks a ton for the ball slap in a can, Cassie.

Three more cans lingered in the box, and none of them were particularly pleasing to the eye; however, one really stood out from the others. It was large and in charge, apparently the result of two cans joined at the hip (lid? lip? shoulder? nose?). I’ll be honest, I was terrified of it.

Reluctantly, I decided that if it would end me, let it be on a weekend. Reading the directions written on the top can, I cracked it open. I recognized the beefy scent wafting through the air. While it microwaved, I opened the other. As soon as a noodle was barely seen, I remembered what my opponent had told me before about her distaste for baby corn.

I had been given cans to make beef chow mein (Dinty Moore beef? Definitely chow mein or stir fry in a can for the larger one). ROCK.

As most anyone could tell you, I have no problem at all with Americanized Chinese food. Hell, most of the time, I don’t even need a fork. Just slide me some chopsticks and we’re good to go!

And good to go we are. As I type this, I’m already halfway through the total of those two combined. I give myself 5, maybe 10 more minutes and I’ll be done with all of the contents of both cans.

No sweat on my brow, kiddo.

A two piece entry? This can only end in tears.

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 12:11:19 -0400

A two piece entry? This can only end in tears.

Mystery Can Challenge 2011 Day 4

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 16:57:00 -0400

Can 7: This isn’t going to end well.

I woke up today getting almost more sleep overnight than I did nearly all of last weekend combined. It’s been raining like crazy, which I’ve enjoyed immensely (it’s time to go through the Netflix queue). Even my leftovers have been delightful.

Why I decided to throw it all away by opening one of the cans that Cassie gave me a slight warning about, I have no idea.

Longer than your standard size can, I opened up this tall drink of pain. Immediately, a pungent stench accompanied the liquid bubbling from the can. This was a portent.

Peeling the can all the way open, I found the “treat” ahead of me: asparagus. UGH. I’m not normally a big steamed asparagus eater as it is (I prefer the scent of my urine to be altered via natural ways, thank you very much), so to have it canned? This would be a problem.

Okay, microwaving it and coating it in freshly ground pepper. We’ll see how that goes.

EDIT:
Half the can. That’s all that could be consumed. And I can still smell it.

EDIT TO THE SECOND POWER:
The smell is still lingering. I can’t make enough coffee to make it go away. I am contemplating taking out the trash in a lightning storm in order to potentially rid myself of the odor.

In which the streak of luckiness ends.

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 16:44:32 -0400

In which the streak of luckiness ends.

That’s called success.

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 17:16:16 -0400

That’s called success.

Mystery Can Challenge 2011 Day 3

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 17:15:25 -0400

It would appear that yesterday, I fed myself canned mangoes, not canned peaches. In my defense:

1. I’ve never seen canned mangoes before.
2. They sure as hell tasted like peaches.

Nonetheless, I had no problem with them. Today, I was a little worried. It wasn’t a bad day, it just wasn’t a great day either. Trepidation set in for me. A syrupy odor wafting from the can didn’t make me feel excited about what it might be. “What kind of crap am I gonna find in the can to add on?”

Turns out, nothing. Today’s canned glory was sweet potatoes. I LOVE sweet potatoes.

Out of the can, though, that could be a problem, right? Ah, but there’s doins afoot.

As evidenced last year, there is a precedent that we could add something to the item in order to make it slightly more palatable. Being he of the sweet tooth variety, I always have marshmallows on hand. Let me drop some recipe knowledge on you.

Take one can of sweet potatoes. Drain. Place in a microwave safe container and mash. Take nutmeg, cinnamon and sugar (or substitute cinnamon-sugar for the sugar if you have it). Sprinkle liberally. Mix in. Sprinkle again. Take marshmallows (any flavor or size will do, but regular mini or toasted coconut ones work wonders) and decorate the new concoction with them. Irradiate for 45 seconds. Mush around, then throw a few more marshmallows onto the sweet potato mixture. Consume.

See what I did there? It’s called success.

Time to break out the marshmallows.

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 17:02:07 -0400

Time to break out the marshmallows.

Peaches go bye-bye into my tum-tum.

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 16:43:07 -0400

Peaches go bye-bye into my tum-tum.

Mystery Can Challenge 2011 Day 2

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 16:42:25 -0400

Oh Cassie. It takes only a year for our cruelty to fade, doesn’t it?

But a scant year ago, you were sending pork by-products and foreign foods and everything else under the sun that you said I couldn’t give to you. And now?

Now, you bequeath to me peaches.

Can 2 was a normal sized can of peaches in syrup. Dread crept into me through the day, but now? Clearly I have nothing to fear, just like I now have nothing in the can (though I do have an entire can of peaches in my stomach). As we saw yesterday, I have no qualms with eating fruit served as dessert in my youth.

How quickly the monsters fade and turn into fluffy kittens.

Bring it.

Millions of peaches, peaches for me.

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 16:33:39 -0400

Millions of peaches, peaches for me.

Mystery Can Challenge 2011 Day 1

Wed, 06 Apr 2011 16:27:45 -0400

Dread.

That’s probably the best word that can describe what I’ve felt today. Having been at work all day, I’ve been terrified about the end of the day.

-Office work
-Lunch
-More office work
-Hit the gym
-Go home

And at home is where the trouble is: the first can in this year’s MCC. When I got home, my stomach was growling. Was that hunger from the day? Was it hunger in anticipation towards the can? Was it anger at the challenge? Who knows. All I know is this-let’s not dick around, let’s get this party started.

After changing out of my clothes, I opened the devil’s box and blindly grabbed a can from it. I grabbed number 6, one of the two minuscule sized cans. This could be problematic, as Cassie said that one of them was okay, but the other was not.

Crap in a hat and poop in a shoe.

Taking a deep breath, I popped the top. It was a cloudy liquid with vaguely pastel-colored bits in it. I immediately knew what it was: fruit cocktail. In my youth, my mom was a big proponent of serving fruit for dessert after dinner. Unfortunately, the fruit was 99% out of a can. Still, it’s trained me well. Taking out a large spoon, I consumed the fruit in two spoonfuls and then drained the syrup for good measure. Not a problem at all. Except, if that was the good can, then the other one is still there.

Crap in a hat and poop in a shoe indeed.

That’s one less can to threaten humanity.

Wed, 06 Apr 2011 16:15:00 -0400

That’s one less can to threaten humanity.

Let’s kick off this bad boy with fruit cocktail.

Wed, 06 Apr 2011 16:13:40 -0400

Let’s kick off this bad boy with fruit cocktail.